My father-in-law dropped the rosary.
Trevor’s aunt put her hand to her mouth.
And I… I felt the ground disappear beneath my feet.
Miriam paled unnaturally, as if all the blood had fled from her body, leaving only the old mask of control.
Trevor took a step towards Emma, but she stepped back.
That was perhaps the most appalling thing of all: he didn’t even run towards his father.
I already knew too much about who was safe and who wasn’t.
—Emma, my love, what are you saying?— asked the pastor in a barely audible voice.
My daughter was crying, but she was talking.
He spoke like children do when they still believe that telling the truth will finally make the right adults fix the world.
“I saw her that night in her kitchen,” he said, pointing at Miriam with a trembling finger. “She was on the phone talking about the babies, saying she was going to fix everything.”
My head was throbbing louder than the blow.
I wanted to run to her, hug her, silence the entire universe, but I stayed rooted to the spot because I suddenly understood that if I interrupted, if I protected her too quickly, I might ruin the only real crack that had just opened up.
—Emma, no— Trevor finally blurted out, but he no longer sounded paternal.
He sounded desperate.
Not because of her.
So what might come out of his mouth.
My daughter continued crying, swallowing hard, trying to piece together words that should never have existed in her memory.
—She put a white powder in special jars… just like Mom’s.
The phrase hit every face in the room like acid.
I felt nauseous.
Not a metaphor.
A physical, brutal, total nausea, as if my body understood the scope of it before my mind did.
Baby bottles.
The last night.
Miriam’s visit was “to help” with the children because I was exhausted and Trevor had had to go out for a while for something I don’t even remember now without hating myself for not insisting.
The sterilized jars are lined up next to the heater.
The strange smell that I attributed to tiredness.
Emma was breathing fast, so fast that the pastor had to kneel down to see her better and speak to her with a calmness that I don’t know where he got it from.
—What else did you see, honey?— he asked.
Miriam screamed.
Finally, he screamed.
“She’s making it up! She’s a child! She doesn’t understand what she saw!” she shrieked in a voice so hysterical that no intelligent person could have continued to mistake her for wounded innocence.
