“I’m not mad anymore, sweetheart,” I said. “Mad is when you’re angry, but you might forgive someone later. What I feel is different.”
“What do you feel?” she asked.
“I feel done,” I said. “Your daddy made a choice to hurt me. And that showed me that our relationship wasn’t healthy. So I changed it. Now, we have a different relationship. One where I see you and your brother, but I protect myself from being hurt again.”
“Will you ever be friends with Daddy again?” Emma asked.Find Study Aids
“I
don’t know,” I said. “Maybe someday. But probably not the way we were before.”
“Because of what Mommy said at the airport?” she asked.Air Travel
Of course they knew about that.
“Because of that,” I said, “and because of how your daddy reacted. Sometimes people show you who they really are, and when they do, you have to believe them.”
Emma thought about this as she pressed chocolate chips into the dough.
“I’m glad you still love us, though,” she said.
“Always, baby,” I said. “Always.”
Tyler, who’d been quiet during this conversation, spoke up.Chocolate
“Daddy cries sometimes,” he said. “At night. I hear him.”
My chest tightened.
“I’m sorry you have to hear that, Tyler,” I said.
“He says he misses you,” Tyler added. “That he wishes he could take back what happened.”
“I’m sure he does,” I said.
“Can’t you just forgive him?” Tyler asked.
I sat down at
the table with both of them.
“Here’s the thing about forgiveness,” I said. “Forgiveness doesn’t mean everything goes back to the way it was. It doesn’t mean I have to let your daddy back into my life the same way. Forgiveness means I’m not angry anymore—and I’m not. But that doesn’t mean I trust him like I used to.”Family
“Trust is like a glass vase,” I continued. “Once it’s broken, you can glue it back together, but it’s never the same. There are always cracks.”
“So you can’t trust Daddy anymore?” Emma asked.
“Not the way I used to,” I said.
Tyler nodded slowly, like he understood more than a nine-year-old should have to understand.
“That makes sense,” he said.
He hesitated.Air Travel
“Mommy says you’re mean for not helping us anymore,” he added. “But I don’t think you’re mean. I think Mommy and Daddy did something bad and now there
are consequences.”
Out of the mouths of children.
“That’s exactly right, Tyler,” I said softly. “Actions have consequences, even when you’re an adult. Especially when you’re an adult.”
“I won’t treat people bad when I grow up,” Emma said seriously. “Because I don’t want them to go away like you did.”
“Good plan, sweetheart,” I said. “Good plan.”
At five p.m., Kevin came to pick them up.
The kids hugged me goodbye and ran down the walkway to the car, waving as they climbed in.
Kevin stood on my porch for a moment.
“Mom, can I—” he started.
“No,” I said gently. “Whatever you want to say, the answer is no. We have an arrangement. It’s working. Let’s not complicate it.”
“I just wanted to say thank you,” he said. “For seeing them. For still being part of their lives.”
“I’m not doing it for you,” I said.
“I
know,” he replied. “But still. Thank you.”
I nodded and closed the door.Book Flights
I watched through the window as he got into the car and drove away.
Last week, I saw Jessica for the first time since the airport.
